Tuesdays with Morzant
Morzant Poses a Hypothetical Question
to His Friends
MORZANT: Zulko, humans. Since arriving on your planet I’ve become acquainted with many of your Earth customs and idiosyncrasies. I’m particularly fascinated by the concept of the “hypothetical question.” If I understand correctly, a hypothetical question is a query regarding an unlikely scenario. An example of such a query is: If you could have any superpower, what superpower would you choose? The purpose of asking that which has no basis in reality remains unclear to me, however. I prefer facts and certainties to idle speculation. Still, as a scientist, it’s my duty to keep an open mind. To that end, I have gathered my friends together in my lab to participate in an experiment of sorts. I’ll pose the same hypothetical question to each of them and, in doing so, perhaps gain a better understanding of the function of hypothetical questions. Shall I’ll begin with you, Bigfoot?
BIGFOOT: Sure. Invisibility.
MORZANT: Excuse me?
BIGFOOT: If I could choose a superpower, I’d choose invisibility.
MORZANT: The superpower query was merely a sample hypothetical question. The actual question I have prepared for this experiment pertains to—invisibility? Really? Given your natural ability to blend into your surroundings, invisibility seems rather unnecessary. In my opinion, x-ray vision—excuse me, I digress. The query I have prepared is a variation of the common hypothetical question which asks one to ponder what book they would take with them if they were to be stranded on a deserted island. I have adjusted that question to give it a narrower focus: Which book published in 2010 would you take with you to a deserted island?
BIGFOOT: That’s easy. BRUISER.
MORZANT: Very well. Penny, which book—
BIGFOOT: And WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON.
MORZANT: I understand that Earth beings are not as mathematically inclined as Zeentonians, but surely you realize you’ve selected one book too many.
BIGFOOT: Is that a problem?
MORZANT: Although I don’t yet comprehend why, I believe the intent of this particular hypothetical question is to limit your selection to one book in order to make the decision more difficult.
BIGFOOT: I reject your hypothetical question’s restriction. My answer is BRUISER and WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON.
MORZANT: Two books are not permitted. You’re breaking the rules.
BIGFOOT: What can I say? I’m a rebel. Who’s going to stop me from bringing two books anyway?
MORZANT: I hadn’t considered that. Presumably an entity with greater physical strength than your own would coerce you in some violent manner.
BIGFOOT: I’d like to see that entity try. My answer is still BRUISER and WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON.
MORZANT: Fine. In the interest of continuing with the experiment, I’ll allow for an alteration in the parameters of the hypothetical question. You can bring two books to the deserted island.
BIGFOOT: Good. WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON; BRUISER; and COSMIC.
MORZANT: That’s three books.
BIGFOOT: You’re right. I forgot FREAK MAGNET.
MORZANT: Very well. Often deviations in an experiment yield the most illuminating conclusions. Now to Penny. Which book would you choose?
PENNY: First, I really need to say that there are a zillion books that I wanted to read this year but didn’t get a chance to. I got distracted with watching the Olympics. Then my library card got suspended. There was that two-week period when I had flying fish flu. Plus, I had to do a lot of traveling in the summer because of a family reunion. How about if we’re allowed to bring a bunch of books so we can do some catch-up reading?
MORZANT: You can bring one book. You’re welcome to choose a book you haven’t yet read as long as it was published in 2010. Doing so would be ill-advised, in my opinion. It seems to me that it would be more prudent to take along a book you’ve already read and are certain you enjoy.
PENNY: I suppose. Okay, if I really have to choose just one, I pick either THE RETURNERS or YOU.
MORZANT: But which one? And remember, you’ll be marooned alone on an island and the book you have with you may be your only companion for the rest of your life.
PENNY: THE RETURNERS. No. Wait. YOU. This is too hard. Can I get back to you?
VIOLET: I don’t want to be cartooned on an island.
LENNY: Not cartooned, marooned.
BEVERLY: It’s just pretend, Violet.
LENNY: I wouldn’t have to worry about bringing just one book. I could levitate off the island any time I wanted and go read any book in the whole world.
NORMAN: Lenny’s got a point. And Beverly and I could swim away.
PENNY: Me, too.
VIOLET: Would you take me with you, Penny? I don’t want to be all alone on an island. There might be tarantulas.
OLIVER: Tarantulas are nice.
MORANT: You couldn’t swim away because the island is surrounded by hungry sharks. Now, please, answer the question. Norman?
NORMAN: I don’t imagine there’d be a lot of time for reading. I’d be busy looking for food. And sun-bathing.
BEVERLY: Will everybody name one book and only one book so we can be done with this already? My book is TURTLE IN PARADISE.
PENNY: What about that lovely poetry book you told me about?
BEVERLY: Oh. Maybe I should pick that one.
PENNY: And wasn’t one of your favorites this year KEEPER?
BEVERLY: Yes. I love that book. If Bigfoot is bringing four books, so am I.
PENNY: Me, too. I’m bringing THE RETURNERS, YOU, DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE, and THE SERPENT CAME TO GLOUCESTER.
MORZANT: Penny! Those last two didn’t even come out in 2010! You’re all ruining my experiment.
NORMAN: I’m bringing a TV.
PENNY: Maybe I should bring a bookshelf, so my books don’t get all sandy. I don’t want my library card to get suspended again.
BIGFOOT: Now that I think about it, it would make more sense if we all went to the same island.
MORZANT: You can’t. That’s not part of the scenario!
PENNY: We could open our own library there.
BIGFOOT: And a donut shop.
MORZANT: Apparently the function of hypothetical questions is to give visitors from Zeenton a massive headache. Good-bye for now, humans. I’m off to find an aspirin.
The cryptids would bring the following books published in 2010 with them to a deserted island:
BIGFOOT:
THE ADVENTURES OF JACK LIME
by James Leck
[YOUNG ADULT]
Kids Can Press
BRUISER
by Neal Shusterman
[YOUNG ADULT]
HarperTeen-HarperCollins
COSMIC
by Frank Cottrell Boyce
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Walden Pond-HarperCollins
FREAK MAGNET
by Andrew Auseon
[YOUNG ADULT]
HarperTeen-HarperCollins
WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON
by John Green and David Levithan
[YOUNG ADULT]
Dutton-Penguin
MORZANT:
THE ENEMY
by Charlie Higson
[YOUNG ADULT]
Hyperion-Disney
MORTIMER:
GUINEA PIG, PET SHOP PRIVATE EYE #1:
HAMSTER AND CHEESE
by Colleen AF Venable,
illustrated by Stephanie Yue
[COMIC]
Graphic Universe-Lerner
GUINEA PIG, PET SHOP PRIVATE EYE #2:
AND THEN THERE WERE GNOMES
by Colleen AF Venable,
illustrated by Stephanie Yue
[COMIC]
Graphic Universe-Lerner
PENNY:
THE RETURNERS
by Gemma Malley
[YOUNG ADULT]
Bloomsbury USA
YOU
by Charles Benoit
[YOUNG ADULT]
HarperTeen-HarperCollins
NORMAN:
ATTACK OF THE FLUFFY BUNNIES
by Andrea Beaty,
with illustrations by Dan Santat
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Amulet-Abrams
CITY OF SPIES
by Susan Kim and Laurence Klavan,
illustrated by Pascal Dizin
[GRAPHIC NOVEL]
First Second-Roaring Brook
COPPER
by Kazu Kibuishi
[COMICS]
Graphix-Scholastic
THE GHOSTWRITER SECRET
by Mac Barnett,
with illustrations by Adam Rex
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Simon & Schuster
THE STRANGE CASE OF ORIGAMI YODA
by Tom Angleberger
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Amulet-Abrams
BEVERLY:
CITY DOG, COUNTRY FROG
by Mo Willems,
illustrated by Jon J Muth
[PICTURE BOOK]
Hyperion-Disney
KEEPER
by Kathi Appelt,
with illustrations by August Hall
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Atheneum-Simon & Schuster
THINK AGAIN
by JonArno Lawson,
illustrated by Julie Morstad
[YOUNG ADULT]
Kids Can Press
TURTLE IN PARADISE
by Jennifer L. Holm
[MIDDLE GRADE]
Random House
OLIVER:
FEEDING THE SHEEP
by Leda Schubert,
illustrated by Andrea U’Ren
[PICTURE BOOK]
Farrar, Straus and Giroux
MR. PUTNEY’S QUACKING DOG
by Jon Agee
[PICTURE BOOK]
Michael Di Capua-Scholastic
THE PATTERSON PUPPIES AND
THE MIDNIGHT MONSTER PARTY
by Leslie Patricelli
[PICTURE BOOK]
Candlewick
THE QUIET BOOK
by Deborah Underwood,
illustrated by Renata Liwska
[PICTURE BOOK]
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
LENNY:
BINKY TO THE RESCUE
by Ashley Spires
[COMIC]
Kids Can Press
CHESTER’S MASTERPIECE
by Mélanie Watt
[PICTURE BOOK]
Kids Can Press
OH NO! (OR HOW MY SCIENCE PROJECT
DESTROYED THE WORLD)
by Mac Barnett,
illustrated by Dan Santat
[PICTURE BOOK]
Hyperion-Disney
THERE ARE NO CATS IN THIS BOOK
by Viviane Schwarz
[PICTURE BOOK]
Candlewick
VIOLET:
DOGS DON’T DO BALLET
by Anna Kemp,
illustrated by Sara Ogilvie
[PICTURE BOOK]
Simon & Schuster
CLEVER JACK TAKES THE CAKE
by Candace Fleming,
illustrated by G. Brian Karas
[PICTURE BOOK]
Schwartz & Wade-Random House
I’M THE BEST
by Lucy Cousins
[PICTURE BOOK]
Candlewick
A SMALL BROWN DOG
WITH A WET PINK NOSE
by Stephanie Stuve-Bodeen,
illustrated by Linzie Hunter
[PICTURE BOOK]
Little, Brown-Hachette
6 comments:
LOL! I love the multi personality interview. :0)
Gee, I'm trying to wrack my brain to remember all that I read this year. Off the top of my head I'd have to pick MockingJay and The Sweetheart of Prosper County.
Great post!
The integrity of the experiment has already been entirely compromised by my original uncooperative subjects, otherwise I would take issue with your selection of TWO books. I do appreciate your participation, though. A larger pool of data does ultimately make for more meaningful results.
-Morzant
Thanks for sharing the books you liked this year. THE SWEETHEART OF PROSPER COUNTY is on my list of books to read. I did read MOCKINGJAY. Our resident "Blurter-Outer" gave away the ending while I was still on the first chapter, but I still enjoyed it.
-Bigfoot
If I really only could take one book from 2010, it would have to be A Conspiracy of Kings by Megan Whalen Turner. But then I'd also have to sneak all the previous books from the series onto the island(and get any future books that she publishes). And I would still be bummed out that I couldn't have more books.
Picture this, Meredith: We bring Megan Whalen Turner with us. That way you can be the first to read her new material, and you can do it while relaxing on the beach eating glazed donuts and sipping coconut milk. As for her existing books, those will be available in the TPL (Tropical Paradise Library). Since you won't need to pack any books, bring suntan lotion and ping pong balls (for our rec room—you can never have enough ping pong balls).
-Bigfoot
Meredith, first let me say I appreciate that, unlike everybody else, you are at least attempting to heed the restrictions of the rhetorical question. You've demonstrated nicely the conundrum of selecting ONE book. Thank you. I must also thank you for the idea you've given me for another rhetorical question I plan to pose in a later experiment: If you could bring one author with you to a deserted island, who would you choose? Bigfoot, your insistence on altering the parameters of the original rhetorical question continues to aggravate me. There would be no recreational room, no library, and no donut shop. It would be you and your ONE book—forgive me, I made an exception for you to be allowed TWO books. It would be you on a deserted island with your two books and nothing else.
-Morzant
Hey, Meredith, my suitcase is pretty full. Could you bring pool cue chalk? And a toaster?
-Bigfoot
And how about a globe? Shouldn't a library have a globe? And one of those really big dictionaries.
-Penny
Hi, Meredith. This is Violet. I can't wait to meet Megan Whalen Turner because I bet she's really nice and I bet she'll play tag with me and Oliver and Lenny. But she won't be able to catch me because I'm really fast and she won't be able to catch Lenny because he'll levitate and she won't be able to catch him. She can tag Oliver. It's okay because he likes being it.
-Violet
Megan Whalen Turner went surfing with another author last year, which makes her an extra good pick for your scenario. But I suspect her fans from the Sounis blog would rescue her--and maybe even the rest of you, too.
Great post! When are you going to write a book with some of these characters?
As for my pick, I'm also a rebel. Conspiracy of Kings AND I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett. Though I suppose if MWT is there in person, I could just bring the Pratchett book.
Kate, By "characters" I assume you mean "creatures with appealing and/or quirky personalities" and don't mean to imply that my friends and I are fictional.
I'd happily entertain any offers from publishers interested in having me write a book about my friends. Do you really think people would want to read about the time Morzant's weather balloon caused a hubbub in Nevada?
Since Meredith is bringing the ping pong balls and suntan lotion, would you mind picking up a badminton set before heading out to the island? Norman said he was bringing a box of shuttlecocks.
-Bigfoot
P.S. Maybe we should invite Terry Pratchett, too.
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