Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Blurter-Outer

BIGFOOT: Are you having fun with our book club and the BIGFOOT READS blog?

PENNY: Yes, except I don’t like all the talk about how I “blurt out” the endings of books. It’s one thing to tease me privately, but I don’t want the whole world thinking I do that.

BIGFOOT: But you do.

PENNY: I admit that one time I sort of, kind of, maybe a little bit ruined the ending of HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE for you. But I felt really bad about it. Remember? I got you a baker’s dozen of glazed donuts to make it up to you?

BIGFOOT: You’ve done it more than once.

PENNY: Okay. Maybe I did it one other time. But I can’t think of when. I bet you can’t name one other time I’ve told you the ending of a book.

BIGFOOT: CHARLOTTE’S WEB.

PENNY: Well, fine. But that’s it. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE and CHARLOTTE’S WEB.

BIGFOOT: THE RETURNERS.

PENNY: That doesn’t count. I told you a middle something.

BIGFOOT: THE SIXTH SENSE.

PENNY: That’s a movie. See? I only ruined two book endings for you, one book middle, and one movie. Do I deserve the label of blurter-outer for all time? For just two and a half books? And one movie?

BIGFOOT: CITIZEN KANE.

PENNY: Fine. Two movies.

BIGFOOT: PLANET OF THE APES.

PENNY: Three movies.

BIGFOOT: MOBY DICK.

PENNY: Book or movie?

BIGFOOT: Both!

PENNY: Oops.

BIGFOOT: Then there was WALK TWO MOONS and LOVE THAT DOG.

PENNY: Those are by the same author, so that just counts as one. So four and a half books and four movies.

BIGFOOT: HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE.

PENNY: We already counted that.

BIGFOOT: That was a doozy. We’re counting it twice.

PENNY: Okay, okay. Five and a half books and four movies. That’s not too bad, is it?

BIGFOOT: HOLES, THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA, THE MYSTERIOUS BENEDICT SOCIETY…

PENNY: All those?

BIGFOOT: A FATE TOTALLY WORSE THAN DEATH, THE PUZZLING WORLD OF WINSTON BREEN, THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES

PENNY: Well, I don’t think—

BIGFOOT: CANDOR, THE MILES BETWEEN, and HORTON HATCHES AN EGG. To name a few.

PENNY: Oh.

BIGFOOT: And what about CATCHING FIRE?

PENNY: I thought you said you’d already read it.

BIGFOOT: No. I said Beverly had already read it. I said I had been waiting all year for it to come out and that I wanted to read it before anybody blurted out the ending to me.

PENNY: Are you sure?

BIGFOOT: Then there was THE FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH.

PENNY: Now, I know that can’t be right. I didn’t even read that one.

BIGFOOT: I know! That’s why I remember it so clearly. I was standing in line to buy it when you told me you weren’t going to read it because someone had already told you the ending. And then you told me the ending.

PENNY: I guess I didn’t realize what a blabbermouth I am.

BIGFOOT: It’s okay. I know you don’t mean to give away the endings of books. And movies. And football games I’ve recorded to watch later. And that time Morzant tried to throw me a surprise party. And the year after that when I tried to throw Morzant a surprise party.

PENNY: I’m sorry, Bigfoot.

BIGFOOT: I know you are, Penny.

PENNY: I get a little excited sometimes.

BIGFOOT: I know you do, Penny.

PENNY: Bigfoot?

BIGFOOT: Yes, Penny.

PENNY: Are we still friends?

BIGFOOT: Of course.

PENNY: I liked your review of BRUISER. It’s a good book.

BIGFOOT: Yes, it’s very good.

PENNY: Did you like THE RETURNERS, even though I ruined the middle for you?

BIGFOOT: Yes.

PENNY: Good. I'm glad. You know, all this kind of reminds me of the end of MOCKINGJAY when *********REDACTED*********.

BIGFOOT: Penny! I haven’t finished MOCKINGJAY yet!

PENNY: You haven’t? But it came out almost three weeks ago.

BIGFOOT: I’ve been busy!

PENNY: I’m sorry. Really sorry.

BIGFOOT: I know you are, Penny. It’s…it's okay.

PENNY: Bigfoot?

BIGFOOT: Yes, Penny.

PENNY: Are we still friends?

BIGFOOT: Of course. But maybe we could have a little quiet time. Let's read for awhile.

PENNY: That's a great idea, actually. I only have a few more pages to read in ***REDACTED*** and then I can loan it to you. You're not going to believe that the thief turns out to be the guy from the beginning of the book who ***REDACTED***!

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