Originally posted on September 21, 2010.
Tuesdays with Morzant:
Getting to Know a Reader
Hi, there. Briar here in Morzant’s lab. Morzant is supposed to interview me today, but he’s going to be late because his toaster is about to burst into flames. I’d hate for you to have to wait, so I’ll get things started by answering the questions I predict he’d ask if pumpernickel weren’t so combustible.
Here we go.
Yes. No. In the year 2027. One time when I chased a squirrel up a tree, but never since. Fifteen, maybe sixteen. Excess orange rinds. Huey, Louie, and Dewey, in that order. Walla Walla, Washington. Peanut butter cookies. Sometimes rolling on a dead fish can help. CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG. Working on my own graphic novel. I’m not sure. A large meteor.
Well. That didn’t take too long, did it? I sense Morzant has put out the fire. If you’d like, I could share my most recent vision with you to pass the time while we wait for Morzant to join us. In the vision, I saw a giant armadillo buttering a piece of burnt toast. He offered me a bite, then grabbed it away and started lecturing me on the importance of cleaning toast gunk out of the toaster. I was sure that could mean only one thing—oh, here he is. Morzant, I mean. Not the giant armadillo.
MORZANT: I’m sorry I’m late. My toaster caught on fire!
BRIAR: I hope it’s okay that I started the interview without you since I knew the questions you were going to ask.
MORZANT: Your ability to predict future events is astounding. The scientist in me wonders how your psychic ability works and why, when you knew in advance the questions I intended to ask you, you didn’t also know about the piece of pumpernickel that had wedged itself dangerously in my toaster’s heating element.
BRIAR: Actually, I did. I had a vision where a giant armadillo—
MORZANT: You knew?
MORZANT: Forgive me, but why then didn’t you come warn me about my impending toaster crisis rather than come to my lab to conduct your own interview?
BRIAR: Oh. I didn’t think of that.
MORZANT: No harm done. Aside from the scorched ceiling tiles and melted countertop. And incinerated pumpernickel, of course. Let’s continue the interview, shall we? Where did you leave off?
BRIAR: I answered all your questions.
MORZANT: Even the one about what causes Bigfoot’s photography impediment?
BRIAR: Yes, I said— uh-oh. Morzant? I think you’d better get back to your ship.
BRIAR: You won’t believe what the giant armadillo just told me about your blender.
MORZANT: Good-bye for now, humans. This concludes another interview. Please come back next week when I hope I can offer you a delicious pumpernickel smoothie.